Blest, I was going to discuss in the comments of your post but this started taking on a “post-life” of it’s own.
My husband went to the store to pick me up some workout pants (it’s stinkin’ cold here) in a color that I can wear with other colors (like black). Anyway, he thoughtfully picked me up a top in the same size and the moment I saw it I knew it wasn’t going to work. It angered me a tad that the size marked on it was XL as I stared at it thinking “this will never fit”.
I should give a bit of background, we’re going to visit some of my in-laws tomorrow and I am totally self conscious about the way I look. It’s almost humiliating and has had me telling my husband there is no way I’m going. He went ahead and got me the pants so I’d have something half-way warm to wear when we saw them tomorrow…that fit.
Ok, back to the top. It did fit (a bit roomy too) but it was too short and while my husband might enjoy the peep show when I raise my arms…I’m pretty sure others wouldn’t. As I gave it to him to put away to return I said, “it would look cute on a thinner person I’m sure.” And cue the tears….yes, AF is due any day…yes, I’m emotional about seeing family I haven’t seen in 5 years….yes, I’m tired of feeling “frumpy”….so I cried.
I was feeling defeated and sorry for myself….all the lies satan has tried to feed me for years came rushing back. You’re fat, you’re ugly, your sisters are prettier and more talented, you’re not good enough, you can’t do anything right, you’re too sensitive, you’re too cold, you cry too much, you don’t cry enough, you’re an oddball, you’re un-thoughtful, you lack self-control, God can’t use you, you’re a lousy mom, your husband probably wishes he hadn’t married you, you’re a mess, you’re worthless, you contribute nothing to society ….. blah,blah,blah.
Yes, the tears came. I told my husband again, “I’m not going” as I sat slumped over in a chair. But suddenly from out of heaven (was going to say “nowhere” but that isn’t true), I feel pulled to my feet. A voice says, “get your shoes on NOW young lady.“ I go to the closet and start to put on my shoes. I find myself pulling on warmer clothing. I then grabbed my ipod and something to put over my ears and was out the door. The very first song that came on was Free by Steven Curtis Chapman. I was so distraught, running and praying my heart out that I didn’t even realize what song was on until suddenly these words caught my attention:
And if the Son has set you free,
Oh, if the Son has set you free
Then you are free indeed,
Oh, You are really free
If the Son has set you free,
Oh, if the Son has set you free
Then you are free, really, really free
A smile spread across my face as I said aloud, “The Son has set me free. Lord teach me to live like it! Bind this wretch from toying with my mind. Bind his lies! I am free!” Smiling, feeling strengthened with each painful drop of my foot as I ran (remember the calves) I decided to address the evil one, “Do you hear that satan and all your minions? I AM FREE! By the blood of Jesus Christ, I am free! You hold no power over me but what I give you and I am taking it back.” Anyone within earshot likely thought me a crazy person.
I spent the rest of my 40 minute walk/jog/run/sprint worshipping the ALMIGHTY God! Based on my mood, I could very easily have been into any number of food-type boxes in the kitchen. I most certainly would have been sulking and sitting on my rump doing nothing but whining in my cookies. I know one workout won’t “cure” my overweightedness (not a word but going with it); however, I think tonight showed some real progress for me in not just the physical realm but the spiritual as well.
Oct 20th, 10am - updating to add: I’ve been trying on clothes all morning to figure out what on earth I should take this weekend to the in-laws. I’ve avoided a pair of jeans for months now afraid I couldn’t fit in them anymore (I could wear them off and on last winter). Well, I’m sitting in them right now. They are a size 14 and while I don’t look like a babe in them they are wearable. I like these jeans because they go well with my Docs.
I am praising God for this breakthrough! It is so easy to listen to the lies. But, don’t do it. Focus on God’s promises. You are free indeed! Visible progress will come on step at a time. Way cool workout.
Comment by Anita — October 20, 2006 @ 6:34 am
Thank you Anita. It is so easy to listen to the lies - I’ve listened for years. It isn’t worth it though. Thanks for the encouragement - I felt a bit weird posting about it lol.
Comment by Blair — October 20, 2006 @ 7:04 am
I am so very proud of you!!! (((((HUG))))) I am praying as you go and see family. God is so good to draw us to Him in a way that we can really “hear” Him. I am so glad for that time you had with Him as you exercised and the very powerful way that He spoke to you. I needed this message today, too. Your time with God has been good for many of us I suspect. Thank you for stepping up and sharing this!!!
Love you girl!!!
Comment by Leann — October 20, 2006 @ 7:46 am
I’ve got tears in my eyes cos I just know it’s true - we’ve got an amazing faithful God who has set us free. Thank you so much Blair for being willing to share this with us. I just love the way we can stand together and be encouraged even if thousands of miles seperate some of us
Praying that this weekend will be really great and you’ll continue to be close to God and listening to his promises for you and your life.
Comment by Debs — October 20, 2006 @ 9:50 am
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so there with you! I pray that God will continue to use this and that you will be open to Him. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Comment by Tami — October 23, 2006 @ 6:05 am