I sit here not even sure what to write. I’m sad…upset…angry…teary eyed…hurt. I wnat to share with you a glimpse into my world. I don’t know how to rise above it. Everytime I think I am…well…you all know. We’ve all been there. When I look back over my life I can pin point when food became an issue for me. I was in 2nd grade. I was abused growing up. Both verbally and physically. My brother and I were an inconvenience to my Mom and then my sister was born and she was in the hospital for the first few years of her life. She was an attention getter for my Mother. In 2nd grade we moved closer to the hospital and the next door neighbor boy started doing things. I won’t get into detail. At that point I turned to food. I didn’t tell my parents at that point. I was scared. The abuse the physical abuse eventually fizzled out but the verbal abuse continued. The summer in between 5th and 6th grade my Grandma’s new husband started molesting me both with his words and hands. When I called my Mom crying, begging her to come get me and telling her what he was saying she said she was on her way. She never came. She called that night and said that he was an old man and just didn’t know what he was saying. In 8th grade I became anorexic / bulemic (sp). At the end of 8th grade I became suicidal. I finally told my parents about 2nd grade and after we were away from my Dad she told me that I was making it all up for attention.
Fast forward to the present. Last week I got a call at 2am that Dad had a heart attack. You know that thoughts that go through your mind when you hear about these kind of things. Last night I got a call from my Aunt that Dad never had a heart attack. I called my mom and she insists. Weird thing about it is he still hasn’t been to a follow up app. AND they released him the very next afternoon. I’m telling you he spent less than 24 hrs in the hospital. I call my Grandma who talked with my Dad and she insists that Dad told her that they were releasing him because they could find nothing wrong. They want him to follow up with the cardiologist just to make sure but that’s it.
I’ve suffered the lies of my mother my whole life. I turn to food. It seems to be an only comfort at times. I was good last night Blest. I didn’t binge or even eat anything I shouldn’t have. This morning I did have some pancakes though. I sit here with tears rolling down my face wanting so desperately to eat some cookie dough or brownie batter but I won’t.
How…how do I rise above this? Not just this latest incodent but my life? The sad thing is that I love my parents. I have only ever wanted their approval. Dad openly says that we are all disappointments to him. They didn’t even come to my wedding. That was because of lies my mother told my father. When I told him they were lies he told me that he was sure some of it was. I asked why he was doing this to me (not coming to the wedding) and his exact words were, “Because Tamara, you don’t have to live with her. I do.”
((Tami)) I know there are no magic words to erase your pain and the memories ((HUGS)) I wish there were, oh how I wish there were.
You need healing hon - true healing. Have you ever read “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore? She was abused as a child. I urge you to get to the bookstore and get it.
Satan knows your buttons dear - he is poised to pounce on you and make you feel like that frightened child all over again. What he fears is you drawing strength from the Lord to rebuke him. He’s probably going to beat you up about those pancakes too - don’t let him. You are free Tami! Free in Jesus! Satan has no power over you but what you give him. Do not give him the power - let God exercise HIS power.
I am praying for God’s comforting and strong arms to be wrapped about you right now! Oh Tami how my heart aches for you but I know that God can move you from defeat and depression to victory and JOY! Pour your heart out to Him, beg Him to rescue you! I read a verse last night that made me wish I owned a trumpet - check this out:
Numbers 10:9
“When you go into battle in your own land against an enemy who is oppressing you, sound a blast on the trumpets. Then you will be remembered by the LORD your God and rescued from your enemies.”
God wants to free you Tami - He wants to carry your burden. I don’t know if anything I’ve said has helped, but I pray that God will use it to reveal to you what HE wants you to see.
Many HUGS and PRAYERS!
Comment by Blair — November 14, 2006 @ 9:05 am
Tami - I sent you an email concerning this post. I echo what Blair said and am praying for you as well.
Comment by Mandi — November 14, 2006 @ 9:13 am
Tami, love, all I have are e-hugs and more prayers. (and no need for “Blest, I was good”. Believe it or not, I’m not really coming after anyone with a bat
) God’s mercies and lovingkindness are new every morning and He is the Father who will not fail you.
Oh - and I will add another book to the recommended list. Boundaries by Drs Cloud & Townsend. It has a lot of solid Christian counsel on how to deal with these kinds of relationships.
Comment by blestwithsons — November 14, 2006 @ 9:20 am
Tami, I am praying for you, dear. I honestly don’t know what else to do or say. May the God of peace and comfort make Himself manifest in a powerful and undeniable way!
Comment by lady laura — November 14, 2006 @ 9:25 am
I echo all the prayers - and the Boundaries book was huge in my life, I highly recommend it, as well as another book called Don’t Let the Jerks Get You Down - I’m pretty sure that’s also by Dr. Cloud. I will keep praying, Tami.
Comment by Carrie — November 14, 2006 @ 9:29 am
All I can do is say I’m praying. May God wrap his arms around you and bring you his perfect peace. You are a child of the King, Tami, and he will never ever let you go. God will never let you down.
Comment by Debs — November 14, 2006 @ 11:36 am
(((((TAMI))))) I have no idea what to say and that is the honest truth. I don’t have any answers and I won’t even pretend to know what you are going through but I know a God who does and I will be bringing it before Him… You are so loved my dear!!! (((((((((((ANOTHERBIGHUG))))))))))
Comment by Leann — November 14, 2006 @ 12:36 pm
I agree with everyone else here and I’m praying too that God will deliver you from all the past hurts in your life! It is only in Christ that you will find true freedom. I have never experienced the deep hurt that you have growing up, but I did feel unloved. And it is only God who has given me the ability to let go of my past. He loves you so much! Just crawl into His arms and pour your heart out to Him. And also, do find a mature Christian woman who can walk beside you and encourage you and mentor you through this.
Comment by Anita — November 14, 2006 @ 1:05 pm
{{{Tami}}}
Just hugs and prayers from me, for you.
Comment by Tracy — November 14, 2006 @ 1:09 pm
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. - Matthew 19:29
When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. - Psalms 27:2
The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel; and I will bless them. - Numbers 6:24-27
Prayers headed your way Tami…
Comment by Sarai — November 14, 2006 @ 1:22 pm
((((Tami)))) What bravery to share all this with us. I’m praying for you hard.
Comment by stephanie — November 14, 2006 @ 1:51 pm
(((Tami)) how brave you are!! Thank you for opening up and sharing — as other girls have said I am praying for you!!
Comment by Maria — November 14, 2006 @ 4:36 pm