Since getting serious about this weight loss/healthy body thing, I have been having flashbacks to about 18 months ago. At that time I was at my thinnest point ever in my life. Even thinner than when I was in high school, those years when many seem to have been at their prime.
Background: I had always been a “thicker” girl, never knowing what life was like in single-digit clothing sizes, but always imagining that life was finer in a size 5 (or even 
Though I had always taken care with my appearance, I began to let myself go. I rarely wore makeup, I hardly ever cared about my hair beyond its being clean, and I ate whatever, whenever I wanted; what was the point anyway? I wanted to be as invisible as I felt.
As I began to grow in Christ and to experience the joy that is found only in Him, things began to change almost imperceptibly. I was busy with new friends I met in women’s ministry, and when I began to lead small groups, I was busy with the study and preparation that required. My hands were filled with things besides donuts and M&Ms. Without my really noticing, the weight began to fall off and soon the “new” clothes didn’t fit anymore. Then the next size down didn’t fit, then the next, and so on. It was so slow(took about a year) and unpurposed; I was just busy living life. It seemed as if one day I woke up and was that size 6 I never thought I would ever be.
But. I was tired all the time, I was over-committed, I was not healthy, I was not strong. And even though I was “thin”, Prince Charming didn’t come, which I had secretly expected to happen if only I was thinner and more attractive. Something had to give; I had to back off from my busyness. I also had to quit smoking (a powerful stronghold in my life), which I was still doing in secrecy, and which brings me to my point: rewards.
When I began the process of quitting smoking, one of the things I began to do was pay attention to why I was wanting each individual cigarette. I noticed a pattern in when the desire was strongest and at what times of day I was most likely to smoke. Turns out, smoking was a “reward” for putting in a long day (I only smoked in the evenings), and was my guarantee of time alone and at rest as I only smoked in private, away from my son. As I began to consider that, I made a list of other things that would offer the same “payment” but did not involve killing myself with cigarettes and unhealthy modeling. I also got some ladies to pray for me and hold me accountable. It worked, and much more easily than I would have thought possible. (It will be two years in October since I was a smoker, by God’s grace.)
Since joining this group of wonderful, inspiring ladies, I find myself having to revisit those things I did in order to quit rewarding myself with cigarettes, but this time with an eye on my relationship with food and exercise. Some of my rewards have become food, others have become sedentary things like bonus blog-time, or a video. That getting to watch a video is a reward and tinkering in the garden is not, is all in how I look at it from the outset, as is baking (eating) cookies versus riding bikes with my son. In some ways, the rewards I found for myself were no better than what I was replacing. They were just hid themselves in a “better” package.
Just as a clean house is the natural reward for the work it takes to get it that way, and a closer relationship with the Lord is the natural reward for seeking after Him through prayer and reading His Word, making choices that please God and bless my family are a reward in themselves, and it is a lie that I have told myself that I need to add an artificial bonus. So this time around I am checking myself with each thought that I “deserve” this, and prayerfully considering what it best in that moment. Sometimes that may be having an ice cream with my son, but more often it will probably be tying on my walking shoes and taking a stroll with him; sometimes that will be staying up to read, post, or sew, other times it will be getting to bed early so as to have extra study time in the morning and more energy to face the new day. All the time it must be bathed in prayer.
Oh Laura… I just love you!!
And hey! Extra blog time is a good thing!! (hee hee)
Comment by blestwithsons — July 31, 2006 @ 11:41 am
Laura — what an inpirational post and such timely words for me. I too, need to look at what I am doing in the name of rewards.
Comment by Maria — July 31, 2006 @ 11:49 am
Laura, thank you for sharing that! Much to think on there…
Comment by stephanie — July 31, 2006 @ 11:53 am
This is great ~ something that I definitely need to keep in mind! Any thought that begins with “I deserve…….” ought to be scrutinized closely.
Comment by Lorri — July 31, 2006 @ 1:07 pm
Great post. I remember that “I deserve” monster came up for me when I had three kids in three years and thought I “deserved” to be able to sleep! I had to die to my right to sleep. Now I need to die to my right to overeat. Why can I only learn one thing at a time?
Comment by Carrie — July 31, 2006 @ 2:30 pm
Laura, this is great, and sounds much like my own weight journey as well. I will add that because I was never that “perfect size 6″ in high school or college, I allowed myself to carry weight that I knew was extra on my small frame. I also lost weight by letting busyness substitute for eating, but not in an unhealthy way. I was also eating better.
I find that my discipline in my eating choices carries over to other things in my life. I’m an “all or nothing” kind of gal, but when I am disciplined about other things, like housekeeping, and quiet time, then the eating thing seems to sometimes be better, too.
Comment by Jennifer — July 31, 2006 @ 3:17 pm
What a great post - thank you for sharing it. I needed the reminder!
Comment by Blair — August 1, 2006 @ 4:15 pm