So, I’ve been gone in lurkdom for EVER now. I’ve even had several thoughts of leaving OWOA. Notice the word “had”. You see, I struggle with anorexia/bulemia. I come from a family of very large women (the women in the family say it’s in the genes…I disagree but that’s a whole other conversation) and in junior high my way of trying to get thin was to become anorexic bulemic. Since junior high I haven’t gone full fledge into it but did have short stints of anorexia. Never long enough to loose drastic weight or become physically ill but mentally, I am still unhealthy. I’ve been in a funk since the end of January. Since Emma was in the hospital I’ve often found myself binging. I have not followed through with the vomitting (although I have been on my knees a few times) but have found an alternative in exercise. You see, I’d binge then get up the following morning and do cardio for 2 hrs at the gym. I’d binge bad enough that all that working out was just enough to keep my weight up and down in a 5# area. Bad Tami. I figured I was being smart. I’ve had so many people in my life tell me that they look up to me. I’ve lost over 75# to date and I could not let them see me gain! I kept telling myself that all the exercising looks good. No one will suspect a thing. Not even my husband. He didn’t. The beginning of last week I sat down beside him and poured my heart out. Last Friday I went back to my counselor with tears, pride and shame and poured my heart out to her. I have been on my knees and poured out my heart and needs to God.
When the post with the link to the article about dieting to be thin was posted I cried. You see, I’m affected by these diseases. Diseases of the mind. I too love food but I can forget about it completely.
Anyways, I am working on this. I struggle hour by hour. I don’t want my children to grow up watching me, feeling sad for me or worse, copying me. Thankfully they are 1 and 2 so they are still unaware. I’m not sure completely of why I’m posting this but to tell you that I am here, I am struggling and maybe some one else is and needs to see that they are not alone. Together we can conquer this weight.
*praying*
your children are lucky to have a mom as strong as you! because recognizing the problem and asking for help makes you strong. you can do this!
Comment by Anne — April 30, 2007 @ 9:36 am
Oh Tami, I don’t know what to say. Thanks for your honesty. All I’ve got is virtual hugs and real prayers.
Comment by Bekki — April 30, 2007 @ 10:02 am
Tami - One of the lines in that article that really made me think was “the thinner I get the fatter I feel” - WOW! I think we all need to do a better job as women in encouraging each other with where we are RIGHT NOW. I don’t know anyone personally on this site but I do know you are all beautiful!! I think it is very easy to make eating/dieting/working out idols in our lives if we are not very careful (an observation of myself…not an accusation to anyone) ;o). My only advice to you is to keep focused on the Bread of Life, your Sustainer, your Healer, your Comforter, your Joy, and your Strength. Let Him be your guide and just rest in Him. It was so brave of you to pour your heart out to your husband and to us. I admire that. I’ll be praying for you.
Comment by Mandi — April 30, 2007 @ 10:49 am
(((Tami))) I do understand and I’m praying for you hon. My inbox is always open
Comment by Blair — April 30, 2007 @ 11:07 am
Praying for you as well.
Comment by Anita — April 30, 2007 @ 11:42 am
Tami thanks for being so honest. What can I say. There aren’t any quick fixes are there. We love you but God loves you so much more than any human being, even your husband. And that is despite knowing us even better than we know ourselves. Keep coming back to him.
A verse that has helped me is I Cor 10.13.
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
I found it helpful to look for those ways out.
But I also come back to I John 1.9
“If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
There is always a way back and God wipes the slate clean.
Sorry if that has been a bit preachy. It’s offered in love. Will pray for you. We need each other.
Comment by elly — April 30, 2007 @ 12:37 pm
Tami,
Praying that you feel the love here from us and that you most importantly feel Gods love pouring out on you as you struggle.
Comment by Kellie — April 30, 2007 @ 2:06 pm
Tami, thank you for sharing. I totally understand. I used to have issues with bulemia, I would take ipecac to induce vomitting after binging. You’re on the right track though, you recognize you have this disease and you’re working hard to get through it. I’m proud of you. You can do this! I’ll keep you in my prayers.
(((HUGS)))
Comment by Cristina — April 30, 2007 @ 4:00 pm
You rock, Tami. I’ve missed you bunches (yes, I know, why didn’t I email and say so? Cause I’m a schmuck - that’s why) You are going to conquer this. All things are possible with God!!
Comment by blestwithsons — May 1, 2007 @ 5:41 am
Can I suggest the book, “Praying God’s Word” by Beth Moore? It deals with tearing down strongholds in our lives. Weight isn’t a “stronghold” it is a SYMPTOM of a stronghold. A Stronghold is any argument or pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. (2Cor.10:5) It steals much of our focus and causes us to feel overpowered. Mastered. Controlled. It is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled. The primary battlefield is the mind. Our goal according to 2Cor.10:5 is to steal back our thought life and take it captive to Christ instead. The enemy’s chief target is the mind because the most effective way to influence behaviour is to influence thinking. Praise God who is BIGGER than our strongholds! Praise God that he has disarmed the powers and authorities … triumphing over them by the cross (Col. 2:15)NOTHING IS BIGGER OR MORE POWERFUL THAN GOD! Absolutely nothing! Not even the strongest addiction or overwhelming feeling of rage, inadequacy, _______ (insert whatever you feel).
God’s Word is our weapon. I encourage you to see this problem differently - we wrestly not with “flesh and blood” (Even our own!) but against principalities and powers.
You can do this - not on your strength but through Christ who strengthens you.
(((((Tami)))))
Comment by Cara — May 1, 2007 @ 9:42 am
Tami,
I will be praying for you–I too have struggled a bit with anorexic behavior…it is SO EASY to fall into! You are not alone. Thanks so much for being transparent. Take things one day at a time and don’t hesitate to ask for prayer. As often as you have need. Don’t believe the lie that we don’t want to hear it because we want to help! And your transparency is helping others even if they don’t say so.
By the way, being honest about your need IS being a good example! I am proud of you
Comment by Brandi — May 1, 2007 @ 12:46 pm
Glad to see you back Tami. I will certainly be praying for you!
Comment by Bethany — May 1, 2007 @ 3:12 pm