So how does it feel to hit goal? How does it feel to be a “fit person” after 20+ years of being a fat person?
Weird.
That’s how it feels. Indescribable. You know, I called my mom crying last Thursday - the first day I saw a number under 135 on my scale. She didn’t quite get why I was making a big deal about it. After all, I’ve been looking good and been so close to goal for awhile. To her I was already “there” - so why the fuss over a number? (not that she was mean about it or anything mind you. My mom has been absolutely FANTASTIC through this whole thing) Here’s what I wrote down to try and answer that question for myself…
May 25th, 2007
Ten months. Exactly ten months. Today is the day. The first day I saw a weight below my goald of 135. Yesterday was 135.6…today was 134.8. And I cried.
It’s funny. I’m not significantly smaller than yesterday. I don’t look any different from yesterday. but there’s something so…monumental about how I feel today. Knowing that I DID IT. (with all humility and gratitude of course) I’ve hit goal. I’ve lost the weight.
I’m not FAT ANYMORE.
I really truly love how I look. I love how my body feels. So light. So strong. I know I don’t really remember how my fat body felt…yet in a small way I think I can. Heavy. Ugly. Tired ALL the time. Ashamed. Guilty about my self-neglect. Embarrassed about my gluttony.
But today I feel the most amazing sense of freedom. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m NOT.
I’m fit and I’m fine!
I eat healthy foods and I don’t eat out of control.
I love to exercise!
I love clothes shopping! hee hee
I know I’ll fit in chairs and roller coasters and airplane seats.
The list goes on and on - and I don’t think I’ve scratched the surface of how I feel.
Like laughing and crying at the same time…Done it a coupla times already today actually.
Like I can do anything.
Like the “Unworthy” stamp is off my forehead.
So strange thinking that I don’t have this as a goal anymore.
For as long as I can remember, all of my dreams have somehow been complicated by “And get the weight off”. My fantasies always starring a me who was little and healthy and cute. “Someday,” I’d say to myself, “Someday it will be gone.”Someday I’ll lose the weight…
Someday Finally Came!
Twenty Years of feeling like a “less than” because of my weight and it’s finally over.
I just can’t describe it.
That’s verbatim - straight from my journal to you. A few days later and I still feel like it’s a dream. I tell ya what. Really - the whole deal is waiting for my eyeballs and my self-concept to catch up with physical reality. I know what I weigh and I know what size clothes I wear. But my eyeballs still see someone who is chunky. And I feel like I have FFP (formerly fat person) stamped on my head. It’s so strange realizing that anyone I meet now does not know I was fat. And I don’t have to tell them! 
As a matter of fact - I think once I STOP telling people, once I have accepted my new self to the point that I don’t think about it constantly and feel like I have to broadcast it…that’s when the transformation is really complete. Know what I mean?
I am so proud of you my sister and will be praying that the Lord speeds up your brain with your body.
Comment by Kellie — May 30, 2007 @ 5:51 am
Great work! This and your last post with the picture progression were very inspiring. May we all get there!!
Comment by Barbara H. — May 30, 2007 @ 6:02 am
Thanks for sharing your journal with us, Blest.
Isn’t it weird how our eyes lag behind?! And it can go both ways, too. My eyes got locked into seeing a size 6 body and though there was evidence I wasn’t that size anymore, it took them a while to agree and get with the team on doing something about it-lol.
I am so proud of you!!
{P.S. One of the things I remember from when I was big/got small before was how much I used being fat as an excuse for why things were the way they were in my life. Then when I was little, it was a big surprise that things were still the way they were. Now I know that the weight wasn’t the core issue, it was a symptom of other things. It was quite a blow!}
Comment by lady laura — May 30, 2007 @ 6:12 am
Yeah. I know what you mean LadyLaura. I’m still ADD as all get out - disorganized and procrastinating and generally - uh- goofy! And I’m still moody/somewhat depressive - though not nearly as moody as I was. (though I think it’s the good food and the exercise that is helping the most - rather than the outward manifestation of “thinness”)
Nope - getting fit doesn’t fix everything…But it certainly helps!
Comment by blestwithsons — May 30, 2007 @ 6:15 am
Thanks for sharing the journal entry. How exciting!! I’m so thrilled for you!
I know what you mean, a bit, about your eyes catching up. I think it’s great that you realize that about yourself too. Way less likely to do anything crazy when you know your being unreasonable about what you see.
You look great! I’m so proud! I know I keep saying that, but I really am! You deserve to look and feel good. You did an amazing job!
Comment by Bethany — May 30, 2007 @ 6:38 am
Thanks for sharing that with us Blest. A lot of what you say resonates with me. My eyes are still catching up with reality. I catch my reflection in a mirror and for a second I forget it’s me.
And I definitely feel like a former fat person, in danger of expanding again at any unguarded moment. Weird.
Comment by Bekki — May 30, 2007 @ 7:40 am
I asked for it! Now I’m crying. Joy, joy, joy for you! Thanks for doing this “out loud.”
Comment by missy — May 30, 2007 @ 10:37 am
Oh I so know what you mean Bekki. I still feel like if I deviate in the slightest I’ll wake up tomorrow over 200lbs again!
Missy - you’re a doll! [[hugs]]
Comment by blestwithsons — May 30, 2007 @ 11:07 am
I know what I weigh and I know what size clothes I wear. But my eyeballs still see someone who is chunky.
I totally feel you. Although I’m only halfway to my goal, I already feel like a success because I get so many SPUNKs every day and people are always asking me for advice, etc.
When I look in the mirror, though, I still see me at 231.5 pounds. It’s weird. I’m down four notches on my belt but my head is so used to seeing the chunky monkey that it doesn’t register with me.
Comment by Bird — May 30, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
Well, Honey, I definitely DON’T see the chunky monkey
You look great!
Comment by Brandi — May 30, 2007 @ 6:51 pm
Chunky Monkey…I love it…I just had to laugh…reminds me of the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
Blest…thank you for sharing with us how it feels…that is soooo awesome! I’m soooo proud of you!!!
Comment by Cristina — May 30, 2007 @ 7:06 pm
blest….. you are the meaning in my life… you’re my inspiration…. can you hear me singing?
there is hope for me… someone who has been overweight since 7th grade… i love you chick… congrats char
Comment by Charlotte Cushman — May 30, 2007 @ 10:31 pm
Congratulations!
You’re such an inspiration!
Comment by Meredith — June 1, 2007 @ 11:08 am
Excellent, EXCELLENT job! I can only imagine at this point what you are feeling, and the imagining is what keeps me going. That and the little gems along the way. Each pound is a little victory, adding up to the goal.
Comment by Jennifer — June 1, 2007 @ 11:50 am